How not to court/ attempt to date MBandit

Yes, I have been doing some banditing and dating as of yet, however I think a list of nots could be helpful to my online and real life suitors alike. Please note the I grew up in the south, and despite my northern location, they knew something about courtship and dating. And most importantly they had drive through beer barns and a wink with a smile meant you were 21.

1. If you are over 4o move along - and no big daddy I don't have any unresolved father/daughter issues that you can help me out with.... if I need a spanking it won't be from you
2. Yes I can see you like my photos, but if I cannot see yours I assume the worst. And am usually right! I do recognize that your said photos will 90% include the following: you w/o a shirt, your car with or w/o you in it, a pic from your web cam, and a sunset.
3. Us hanging out at a bar w/ a group of friends is not a date, its us hanging out at a bar. Nor does us chatting count as you asking me out, you have to ask me out.
4. If you stand me up and then blame it on me there is no round two.
5. When I tell you that I ride horses and you respond "I've got something you can ride..." I will tell you that I don't ride ponies. Yes that is the least creative response ever... seriously if I find a pony in your pants I will be pissed, you'll be a liar and I'll cop a feel and tell
6. Team jerseys are not acceptable date wear unless we are going to the game on a date. Or unless you are said athlete on the team then you can wear your own jersey, you've earned it. Who am I kidding like I could date Jason Varitek. And unless you look and play like him don't wear his jersey on my date. I once went on a date w/ a white free-style rapper who wore a Houston Rockets jersey on our date b/c he remembered I was from TX, Oak Lonetree was such a romantic. How many things are wrong with the above statement?
7. If you think that Jesus set us up as soul mates even though you live in Kentucky, stop now. Pretty sure that Jesus has a few other things on his to do list than find me a soul mate in KY. Maybe you have an in that I don't...

The Man Market

So my additional two free weeks at True.com have provided very entertaining. First per the recommendation of Shonaquilla, the person who offed the two more free weeks, I tried out the chat room.

Before we get to my chat room story here is the latest man update. Basically I'm stalling b/c I cannot even believe I did this.

• Daddy Starbucks finally asked me out after a month of chatting. However he did pick a great restaurant in Boston, Stella in the South End. http://www.stellaboston.com/
• GI Joe- fell off the face of the earth
• The Kid- some 22 year old who wants to take me to dinner and a movie, clearly. I don't think he knows Wednesday is first date night. Despite him being young he is attractive, more so than anyone else. Boarder line stalker.
• Super Stop'n'Shop- Another borderline stalker who really wants to hang out and constantly messages me "hey beautiful," "good morning beautiful" and "goodnight beautiful." Despite how good this is for my ego it feels a little more like "hey creepy," "good morning creepy" and "goodnight creepy."

False.com

So since my week trial was up at True.com, called to cancel. The operator picked up and asked "how can i help you find love today?" I laughed out loud into the receiver. After telling him I would like to cancel b/c everyone lives so far away. Far away is code for illiterate, non-spell checking, thug life, older midgets who insist on having at least one photo w/o a shirt. He then checked out my profile and says how hot I am and that he can't really believe that I'm single. Thanks operator, thanks. So he gives me two more weeks.

The same day "notonlockdown" has sent me yet another wink. (Pictured) What about my profile says I want to date a recently released from jail, Hispanic gang-banger? Doesn't he know I'm still in my cop phase despite my best efforts.

I have advanced to phone chat with the Wizard Cop who lives in Bedford. I am not sure where that is but the guy is so strange I can't stop talking to him. He plays this grown up nerd game where adults (I assume mostly men) dress up like medieval times and act out things in character for a weekend. I picture it as a Lord of the Rings/King Richards Fair/ Dungeons 'n' Dragons scavenger hunt. I bet there is a huge virgin count in group. Here is the website knightblades.net you are welcome.

His pros include: being a cop, he went to culinary school, has a boat

Also he has pre-written questions to keep the phone conversations moving, here is a sampling.

1. How do you feel about tattoos?


2. Do you drink wine?


3. How would you describe yourself sexually a) reserved b) adventurous c) freak


4. How many serious relationships have you had?


5. What are your "go to" moves to seduce a man?

.... also more comic updates to come.