DD might be loosing his spot in the barn

As of recent flakiness DD could be loosing his spot in the barn and be down graded to the paddock. When in an ish situation only I can be a flake b/c if we both are then nothing gets done.

Due to my southern roots, the fact that horses and horseback riding are one of the very few constants in my life below is the ranking system for the ishes:

• The Barn: Active ishes that I see a few times a week and we seem to be comfortably dating (DD)
• The Paddock: Ishes that aren't really very consistent but I see no real reason to move them in the barn or out to pasture totally (The Cop, The Produce Salesman)
• Out to Pasture: I'm done with you and we may even still be great "friends" and no there will not likely be benefits, if I even still see you. Most in the pasture were just a quick Bandit and run or catch ride. (the comic, Daddy Starbucks, Big Steve, the engineer)

I am so ready to get out of Boston for some NYE fun in the city.... Thanks to Nurse for taking me in on such short notice Tuesday

Holiday Quickie

In the midst of my holiday marathon I thought I would give you the highlights. Due to various flight issues my brother and I had a lot of catch up time before the rest of the family got in town. One of the funnier things is that we talk about things I don't discuss with other people ever. For example long term goals and views on life overall. Granted we do this over beers and shots of Jack Daniels at any bar with two open stools. I don't see him nearly enough...

Here is the up to date holiday highlights:

1. Pre holiday Slap'n'Tickle with the dentist - I think this guy may get to stay in the barn
2. Christmas eve I have some Make out Deja Vu at the bar w/ the bro and laugh at the look on his face while the Unique one tells him about Asparagus Pee
3. Listen to my brother give out the following girl advice to my friend "you got to treat em rough if you want the muff" priceless
4. Talked to the cop who didn't have a very good Christmas b/c he didn't get everything on his list.... the thing he didn't get was a threesome .... well neither did I
5. Yesterday I got felt up at one of those places where they custom fit your very expensive new bra.. seriously i thought i was on a bad grope date, eyes up Aimee ... "Wow your breasts are nice and firm.... are they real?" Oh Aimee thank you for your personal hands on adjustments... Due to all the family around that was the most action I got all holiday... thank you Intimacy Store

"If you come in, I'll just tell you the same thing to your face"

During my second emergency pull off in CT, my car hood was waving like it would fly open on the highway. I panicked and got off a the next highway exit and used Magellan to find a auto repair shop

I finally found one that is open, here are the basis of the call:

MB: My car was in an accident..... the hood seems loose can you look at it?
Mechanic: well if was in an accident it probably needs to be fixed hence why I'm calling you
MB: Is there any way you can look at it an rig the thing shut until I make it back to Boston?
Mechanic: If its broken I cant do anything by looking at it. what is it you do then?
MB: If I come in will you look at it?
Mechanic: If you come in I will just tell you the same thing to your face. Maybe if you had a bungee you could tie it down.
MB: Where do I get a bungee
Mechanic: uh probably Walmart

So now I am pissed and determined, I find a fucking Walmart and buy some flippn bungees and go find this place. I park my sad car and walk in. Flash a smile to the bald tattooed guy behind the counter and say so sweetly "Hi I just called in and was told that no one would look at my car to help and they would tell me to my face when I got here"

Bald Tat Guy: Well that must have been my brother I'll help you

Magically the formerly unhelpful brother appears and is quite charming and helpful. I do wonder what changed his mood.....

I made by best small flirt talk, while the brothers punched my hood back into place and bungeed it shut. It took about 35 minutes, of which I was so greatful for the help. I mean they were really getting in there to help and it was still snowing. While the completely repaired my hood I coyly said "Wow you do great bodywork..." All three mechanics (oh yea another guy came out to "help") freeze with their mouths open... Bald Tat says "you really shouldn't be saying that." to which the only appropriate reply was... "Whats wrong? Just a little innuendo for your time.."

So I paid the guys $40 bucks and was on my way. So a little blondie flirting got me back on the road.... hell probably would have made out with them just to get back on the road..

Rocky Hill and Cromwell CT Not Quite NYC

Well I didn't make it too NYC due to a car accident on Friday trying to get to the train station. No worries there were no major injuries. The only casualty was my weekend of fun. However I did get to spend a wonderful snowy Friday night in Cromwell at the Courtyard Marriott. Yea more points. While I was drunk wallowing in self pity over the bottle of wine I brought to share w/ Hurricane, I got to thinking that being independent and self sufficient isn't all its cracked up to be.

While stressing out over my fucked up situation, I only almost lost it once when the guy at the gas station asked how I liked the snow during my second emergency pull over on my way home Saturday, I thought how much easier it would have been if I had a break down during the time of the accident. Then I could have freaked out and become an inactive puddle version of myself and let everyone around me handle it. However, I am unusually collected under pressure. Despite my lack of snow gear I handled it.

Saturday night when I finally got home to Boston after a few emergency stops and a blue eyed blonde moment thanks genetics I got home in one shaky piece. Its funny how when you stop moving you can get a delayed reaction to prior events. The Unique one rallied me off of the couch and came into my neighborhood for dinner so I wouldn't have to go very far. I had warned everyone that I had a few block walking radius if I was to leave the house or my newly purchased bottle of wine. ugh

Wax on, Wax off.... Ouch

So my waxer was a bit rushed today, the holidays make everyone want to be so fresh and so clean clean, which meant she was a bit rough. Not that getting the goods waxed is by definition a gentle process but this was a bit more than usual. At one point I thought she was going for the only place I have left to save for marriage...

Also due to scheduling issues MBandit has had no face time with the stable of horses this week:
The Cop- His schedule
The Produce Salesman- My Schedule
DD- Both schedules

Therefore there is much making out to be desired for my holiday visit to NYC... I have a few suspects in mind... either way I can always play for the other team w/ Hurricane (I'm sure Shorty Got Back won't mind)... see you at the Tool Box

On the road of life...

....you are either the bug or the windshield. And yesterday I was the windshield, coming off of a great weekend. Two key incidents kept me in windshield mode.

First, I saw an assumed homeless man (my thoughts on the homeless for another post) at one of the most popular begging intersections wearing a Santa hat and collecting in a stocking. Both creative and holiday appropriate. The best part was that his sign read "I'm just single" Needless to say this touched MBandit's icy heart and I gave him a dollar.... So after 3 years of driving through that intersection I gave out my dollar to the festive single Santa.

My second irresistible moment of yesterday was, while checking out at the grocery store I asked for some stamps. And the cashier Dominic asks "Do you want bells or nutcrackers?" I clearly could not resist such a perfect moment.... "Oh I'll have the nutcrackers, its quite appropriate"

The Quickie Weekend Wrap Up: Friday, dinner/drinks/ comedy w/ Pincus follow up up with a late night produce salesman visit (DD and the Cop were out of town). Saturday: froze my ass off at the dog park, did dinner and a movie with grandma, and went to a great ugly Christmas sweater party, amazing new and old friends. Sunday horses at barn one and two w/ a lesson on Sheriff then dinner with the Unique One. So tired by the end of it all.

He had balls, I had to give him that...

I'm driving to meet LL for a business lunch and I notice another mass-hole driving erratically, not that strange to see bad drivers in MA or as a sales rep who is always on the road. I get to a light and bad driving Hyundai is the car next to me. I get the roll down you window signal, do so and assume he is lost...

Hyundai: Hi, do you live over there in Medford?
MB: Oh no I don't
H: Well you look like this girl I know
MB: Blank stare
H: Where do you live?
MB: Not around here
H: Well you are really hot
MB: Thanks. why wont this fucking light change already
H: Do you like Italian food?
MB: No response
H: Well just give me your number and I'll call you to set something up..
MB: Sorry, no thanks
H: Are you sure? You're really pretty
MB: No thanks

Although I do love car flirting (like with I gave the motorcycle guy my card), and when a guy takes initiative he was not attractive to me in the least. I'm pretty sure it was the adult braces that put me over the edge.... I may however use his pick-up technique

The drinks were stiff and the glasses were plastic...

.... perfect. So I went to a birthday outing at Felt in Boston and it turned out to be way more fun than expected. As usual good company is able to trump a less than preferred location.

This bar/club/pool hall was a breeding ground of material for Shirt or Dress and Hot Chicks with Douche Bags, which made the people watching top notch!

So the only incident of note was when I got to "help" trashy platinum blond Umpa Loompa. And when I say help, I mean elbowed the hell out of her to prevent her drunk ass from falling over, while plowing through the crowd like a drunk sequined bowling ball w/ pig tails, someone is on track to give out bjs tonight. After receiving the elbow Umpa freezes and looks up at me... now I am by no means tall but she was about tit height, to which I reply "you're welcome" with a smile. This confuses Umpa and after a few second pause, awaiting reply, she opens her mouth and nothing comes out.... now her friend retrieves stunned Umpa and they return to dry humping on the pool table. I understand clubs are crowded but not making an effort to squeeze through nicely and just shoving everyone around you is lame.

Also there was some ironic dancing. I do love a song with instructions and audience participation in the lyrics.
Here is a list of the types of dancing that I was able to witness/participate in on Saturday night, who am I kidding this stuff is a blast.

1. Game face fist pump guy
2. I touch myself a lot while dancing girl
3. I always seem to be looking up guy
4. Smiley Dancers
5. Ironic/ audience participation dancer
6. Slither up and down girl - a pole, the bar, a post, a guy will all do
7. I know ALL the lyrics and use my hands for emphasis
8. The predator dancer- careful you might be dancing with a stranger and not even know it.

So the moral of the story was I had a super time, did some dancing and laughing, and snuck out before it got too smelly on the dance floor. Perfect.

When Sarcasm Backfires

One of my networking groups is having a holiday party this Saturday and I was sending and email to the organizer about what time it started. As much as I love to schmooze and be "on" for a crowd of married people, I double booked and needed to plan my escape. 7pm networking Party, 9pm Larissa's birthday party.... Just so you are aware that at the networking party we all have to bring a wrapped gift and write a poem about what it is for people to guess. barf.

I digress, so the organizer writes me back a joking email about the time and being late. At which I respond something about pulling rank and how I cannot wait to wear my most festive sweater. Now a few hours go by and a mass email to the group goes out for w/ said party details and the announcement that there will be a contest for the best festive sweater w/ a flippin prize.... ugh

However I did get a text message that there will be an ugly sweater party at a friends place next weekend so all may not be lost!

Who gets an email you choose....

I am closing in on the end of true.com and here is the latest and less than greatest...

I am currently being e-stalked by a short ninja turtle and a 68 year old man that only wants company once a week. Not sure which is the lesser of two evils.

On a more serious note, ha ha who am I kidding, her are the people that have written me emails that I find entertaining for all the wrong reasons, you choose who gets a reply....

Bachelor 1: Lets call him Steve Perry.

His grammar makes me weak in the knees... check out his poetry to my heart. I love a man that cannot be bothered with the space bar. I also love when peoples email/ screen name included 69. Lets 68 and I'll owe you one. In one photo he kinda looks like Steve Perry

"Hit me up at *****69@yahoo.com as i will be cancelling my account at true.well have a Wonderful,Safe,and Happy Thanks Giving to you and yours Sweety.Ciao for now Beautiful.Hugs"

Bachelor 2: No Photo Guy

Despite his hot photo and writing skills I just cant seem to give him a chance. If you are too intimidated to post a photo the chance of me not eating you alive is slim.

"Reading your profile you seem like a pretty good catch!! That is if I am trying to catch something.. I believe in not taking myself too seriously, however I am very serious about things I do. serious but not serious, perfect....You look like someone I would like to get to know more. because I have a picture ..... Anyway - I do apologize do not have my picture on line yet. But don't worry I am not embarassed to show what I look like.... I believe girls find me attractive ( its nice to believe- ha ha) . The truth is I am still new at this and before I put my picture out there for the world to see I just want to check this thing out and see if its worth .... hopefully you can make me think this is worth it!!!"

Bachelor 3: Fee Fie Foe Fum

Pretty much the guys photo and profile say it all. Despite his soft appearance his greatest accomplishment is not beating his son and being a father....WHAT?! Am I allowed consider me not kicking slow old people an accomplishment? This guy could be way to effed up even for me.

"... Your so close too! Well, come here! lol I would like to meet you to you seem so fun and I happen to microbrew! Points for being able to support my drinking habit You can see all Worcester from my apt. I think you would like a night out on the highest deck, if it's not to cold. I like the clubs , most of them I have done production for at some point . I have alot of friends. But not the one who stays the whole night! I miss that friend the most. I am a good man. 1 woman , never a sad 1 in the past, in fact, every girl has come back at some point, that must say something nice about me. well I hope to here from you soon!"

Bachelor 4: Kentucky

OK seriously you me long distance romance in Kentucky?! How close to Churchill downs do you live? Me and 8 of my closest friends crash at your place for the derby and you drive our drunk asses around? That is how I see our love going

"hi there, saw you on here, and I figured I would write you.I would love to have the oopportunity to show you that all men are not alike, as much as I would like a lady that will show me that not all women are like the ex mrs schwab :) run into a few bumps and potholes in the road of life, and finally getting back on the onramp, looking for someone to be with me for the long haul. i love a good car/ road trip metaphor you sound like a real sweetheart and that's what this worn and abused heart needs is someone to light the candle up again. but you sound like a sweetheart in any event. never been described as sweet did he read my profile been hurt in the past, looking for a kindhearted lady that is genuine, doesn't believe in playing games. My name is ...., I'm 6'3" light brown hair and brown eyes, I live in Bowling Green, KY.. I am looking for someone to enjoy spending some time with and see where things may lead... If you are looking for a goodhearted man, by all means write me back sugar...if you're not a subscribing member, and otherwise still would want to talk to me.. wink twice in a row, sorry I dont use code and I'll send you my email address"

So I didn't include the guy the told me how wonderful he was and I suppose that he could be an option but his pics were boring.

Since I've been gone... I can breathe for the first time

Here is the cliff's notes of me being MIA over the Thanksgiving holiday.

On Tuesday I stayed over w/DD played a little slap'n'tickle and found his porn collection. Here is how it went down.
MB- "Hey are you downloading porn?"
DD- "Yea"
MB- "Ooooh, let me see what you got"

Come on you all have seen it and most of you have your own, lets not play dumb here, unless its some schoolgirl fantasy dress up thing. The best part was that he has them organized in folders by hair color.... amazing, I would have it organized by type

Now we watch two of 18yo porns and it was eh, not keepers. However one was really strange where instead of the guy finishing on the girls face, why do you all love this, she takes out a handy black plate and he cums on that. Then the girl wipes it up with her fingers and consumes it that way. SOOO weird. Who keeps dishes handy?

Wednesday- The cop is now relentless. After he stood me up on Sunday I ignored him and his constant texts. "What are you mad at me sexy" Yes it should be obvious by my lack of response. Also standing me up does not make a very good case for us to get back together...
Songbird gives me a ride to the airport and I quickly become mayor of the bar before my flight, what a great way to start the holiday!

Thursday!- Saturday- I made pie and the apple was perfect! The crust was flaky and it didn't fall when cut! Watch tons of football, Go Cowboys, Go BC Eagles and Hook 'em Horns. Hey BCS Texas beat OU on neutral territory 45-35, do the math. Hung out and drank with the family, I still hold the Bloody Mary Championship title. And in case you were wondering my family is full of smart asses and ball busters like me, so come prepared with a thick skin. My brother is dating a crier which is amazing b/c when she cries he just yells at her saying "what are you doing? what am I supposed to do with this?"

Saturday night red eye to Boston my flight has been changed and I now have 2+ hours to kill. See me at the bar drinking large Fat Tires and falling in love with the Alabama fan Brent in Security. Witty football banter, southern charm, beer, beer, beer w/$3 shot sidecar and a mutual fear of commitment I could totally ish this guy!

Sunday is here and I have a nice case of Strep throat. My doctor, Stephen Anderson, with the rat tail from the walk-in the Seattle clinic gave me vicodon and antibiotics for. Hippies in Seattle, if I was feeling myself I would have requested a doctor with a more current haircut. I am pretty sure I have been way over prescribed of both meds but I'll take it.

Today has come and I am no longer contagious.... and the cop keeps texting and DD will be out of town next week... I am so weak