The Pipeline of Pain

Yes, you read correctly there are men updates!

1. The Kid- STILL is sending me texts if I want to get together, because he hasn't heard back from me in a while. Take my no response as a no. Also the deal breaker was that he adamantly insisted that our first date be at his house so he can cook me dinner. No I don't want to end up on the news
2. Super Stop'n'Shop- eh still calls here and there, is more responsive to the fade than The Kid. He lives further away than I would like and is a crazy mouth breather on the phone. He should see a doctor.
3. GI Joe- Remember I wrote him off because I hadn't heard from him. Seriously, people you haven't been on a first date with aren't worth chasing. Well he called and we are set to go out tonight... I do have a strange feeling that he will bail on me though.
4. DD- A guy that Shonoquilla found, emails are going good and we are now chatting on the phone. Did you know that he played high school baseball with Manny Ramirez? Oh Manny being Manny
5. The Produce Salesman- turns out I am a hot mess at 2am on Tuesdays. He texted one of the pals after we left, to forward his number to me so we can do breakfast. OK I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me like me but things have been so slow I am grasping at straws. At least there is brunch and stoners love to snack.

College Again?... did I miss Spanish?

I had one of those nights last night that felt like college de ja vu that I had not expected for a random Tuesday night in October. You remember college, where you go out on a random weeknight and end up nowhere near where you started or intended. It started out with me deciding to go out for a few, why sit home alone, and watch an open mic with two pals. Good times. Then after the open mic, say 10:30 or so we decide to stop by another bar on the way home to pic up some produce. Just so happens that we all know quite a few people at the bar and end up closing the second bar, me, my two friends and the produce salesman. Quite the photo.

At a much later time my one of the pals reveals that she was always intimidated by the salesman and thought it was great how I can just chat with anyone. Seriously, whats to be intimidating.... he has more facial jewelry and gear on his head than 5 of my girlfriends on a Saturday night combine. I lost count.

Back on track... Now the four of us are driving to the salesman's apt to pick up the groceries. Ironically enough he lives near my apartment and I immediately suggest we brunch. I love brunch, you can never have too many people to brunch with. There is good breakfast food in our neighborhood.

The salesman lives on the less appealing side of town and we walk to his apartment, the classic New England two family run down rental. Now this apartment has now lawn and makes the worst guys college apartment/ frat house seem nice. There is a TV that is bigger than me, 2 cats, a dog and some sort of dinosaur lizard living in an aquarium.

His roommates are cooking a 3 course meal when we walk in at 2 am and give us all the blank stare as we are introduced. We go up to his room and sample his groceries. His room is a small attic convert that has a micro fridge in the crawl space, that I'm guessing would be considered a closet. Sorry I notice odd details, too many to list here.

Now it is time to go, the pals and I are a mess. You know it was an unexpected late night... On the drive home we are laughing and comparing the night to college, how we all met.

When I got home, ate some cold Indian food and had a conversation with Chowdah, my dog. All while thinking why in the hell am I having a six minute conversation with the dog... I should really call Hurricane and let her laugh at this... Now I cannot sleep for some reason and am watching an infomercial about Jesus and how if I call in now and talk to an Angel of Hope I can walk with his people. Turns out in my less than 4 hours of sleep I have strange rapidly segmented dreams about the following things: a lesbian hook up, that I oversleep and missed an appointment, and one about the time I had sex outside the campus police building in college... One would think my dreams would be more pure.

WTF?! Turns out the pals had really strange dreams too and couldn't sleep either.

Shonoquilla Slapped Me in the Face

True.com wins. It seems that I forgot to quit my 3rd free two week trial and am locked into this nightmare for another month!

Now for the good stuff... I have been casually chatting w/ this guy I met who seemed nice and although his only photo was a bit far off he actually had words in his profile, strange I know. So we have been emailing and he seems funny and genuine. We were about to get to the exchange digits point in the banter. I somehow get the guts to ask if he has a more clear photo, mean while feeling soooo shallow about the whole thing.

It turns out the photo is horrible and I am immediately unattracted to him. Yes, photo was crystal clear and up close. How can I go from looking forward to his emails to nothing in an instant. Granted he did take some liberties describing himself, but still.

I feel like the most shallow person ever, I did enjoy his emails but just am not attracted to him w/ the new photo. What do I do, he gave me his number...

I am so fucked up....

The Weekend Review..

Not surprising I had a weekend packed with random funny happenings, so I will do my best not to ramble too much...

On Friday I had dinner and drinks with a friend.... On my way I went about 5 blocks in the wrong direction and when I got on the right path a crazy man decided to be my personal crossing guard for 3 intersections. He would run ahead of me a wave down the cars to stop. However it was during the "walk" light at a cross walk ... the night was starting off well

So at dinner seated at the bar over a few too many beers this 65 year old black man in a suit sits down and joins our conversation... we were talking about squirting porn. "I've had it in my face and its not pee..." So the conversation shifts when our new friend joins in. He tells us his name is Louis and we chit chat.

Louis thinks that we a couple and then he gives advice to my friend for when he takes me out on a real first date. First I will be picked up and since my friend doesn't have a car he will rent a limo. Next we will be dressed nicely and go to a club NOT a bar. But not a jitter bug club a nice club with some mood. Now according to Louis if all goes well then the guy will be holding the ball at the end of the night.... shouldn't I be holding a ball or two? A this point we exchange emails and agree to double date.

At this point Louis gives us his keys to success, he also admitted he was making it up as he went along

1. Don't spoil her


2. Let her think she is in charge
   

Other greats from the weekend was a fun birthday dinner at Dali with sangria, fried goat cheese with caramelized onions tapas that was described as "good enough to give up sex". Also new friends and 80s dancing at Phoenix Landing couldn't have been better!

Also the Phillies/ Tampa world series was described "like sex with a condom, I'm just not feelin it"

One of my cab drivers played the tambourine while driving... it was amazing and he let me play for a song. I love 2am

It must be said that Journey's don't stop believing was played 3 times randomly over the weekend...

A New Opinion on Oral Sex

So it is hard to believe that there are new things to say about oral but this one was new to me, so I got permission to share.

I was chatting on the phone with one of my buddies, who we will call LL, about something he heard on the Playboy Channel on XM Radio. There was a call in by a guy named Big Al, obviously, who was complaining that his gf gave him too many blow jobs, he was exhausted and it was ruining his live. Just a bit dramatic, Big Al. So the call goes on and he is getting 15-20 a day, and she want nothing in return. Whats wrong with this girl, get a little....

So now there is the obvious pause where we both think about oral... And we both 1) think Big Al needs to stop bitching and pull down his pants and 2) that giving and receiving oral is amazing 3) What!?

At this point LL reveals a dating quirk that got me thinking. Yes, we all have some odd dating/sex quirk that we thought about once and have stuck to ever since.

Here it is.... keep in mind that he came up with this at the age of 18, a very forward thinker for his age. Once he feels that a girl is serious enough to introduce to his parents and family, he will no longer accept oral from her, but will give it. Now it must be said that the girls he only dated, were just hook-ups, friends with benefits and randoms, had comprehensive bj privileges. LL hates the idea that the mouth that is kissing and greeting his family, was just also used for a bj. He has held to that stance since he was 18.

I never thought about it like that.

Compliment or Not?

So I was talking to another winner from True.com called Real4Real, and we are having the usual first chats where he is looking at my photos and we are covering the basics such as where do you live? What do you do for work? Are you single? What are you looking for?

Now he starts complimenting my nice smile, and the he says I have "a hot porno face!"

MB: What?! Is that a compliment?
R4R: Oh yea absolutely
MB: Don't people get their faces cum on in porno?
R4R: Aren't you a kinky girl?

So officially my strangest compliment to date is "you have hot a porno face"

ishless in Boston, not such a bad thing

Here are the best reasons to be ishless right now!

1. Shameless text banter w/ Big S - who owes me a bottle of wine thanks to a Pats win over the Broncos..... Settle up Big S, settle up!
2. Spending no money on lingerie purchases or dry cleaning of said lingerie
3. When I Bandit at the Boston Lupus Pub Crawl I won't have to pretend I'm sorry. One should never have to apologize when you are drinking for charity.
4. Not having to act interested during the following conversation topics: a dream that was had, some new band, overtime and the electrical union, where do I see this going in the future (seriously if its not a sex dream, I don't want to hear about it)
5. It gives me time to enjoy my fun crush on the Unique One. As his type is uncharted territory and a whole new action plan is required. Also I don't think he would respond well to throwing the egg roll... crushes are fun

Seeing a Therapist.... I'll just get waxed instead

So I got my Brazilian for the month... and it got me thinking, scary I know. That my monthly waxing is quite similar to what I imaging talking to a therapist would be like. Granted I have never been to a therapist but many of my friends have and speak very highly of the experience. I'm not sure what the proper term is therapist, shrink, psychologist....

Anyways....Karen, of Karen Golden Skin Care in Boston, she is like my shrink in a way. I have been seeing her for about 6 years. She gives me encouragement, knows about the revolving door of men in my life before most people do and provides an outlet for frustration. Also I always feel better when I leave and it takes less than 30 minutes.

Due to the economy, I will keep using my waxer as my therapist. I recommend you try it, besides the less Bush out there the better!


Weekend Follow Ups:

1. Had my date on Friday with Daddy Starbucks... it was nice and only nice, just no umph :(
2. I found out Lilly's owners name from the dog park, he brought coffee on Sunday for everyone
3. Go Eagles! Nice BC win over VTech
4. Have talked to Super Stop 'n ' Shop on the phone and he is a scary mouth breather into the receiver. I wanted to ask if he was OK
5. I have given The Kid the shake as he turned out to be creepy by suggesting I "come over to his place so he can cook me dinner for our first date.... then I am sure you will want to fuck me" nope

Misrepresentation Chatroom Style

So this was my first chat room whisper chat w/ haggerty8759. Per the recommendation of Shonaquilla, I tried out the room named Sassy Singles.

First there is a lot going on. You can whisper to a single person, chat w/ the whole room, cyber kiss and cyber punch people. I wish there was a cyber kick in the nuts. Also there is a tool bar on the side where you can see the peoples pic or web cam that you are chatting.

So haggerty8759 whispers to me and it seems innocent enough. We go through the basics which include but are not limited to: are you single? how is it going? what are you up to? what do you do for work? Talk of the Red Sox. You are hot. He sends a kiss. I punch back. Then....

... It takes a turn to filthy. He starts asking what I would do with his 8 inch dick and how wet my pussy is. Seriously buddy? I am sure everyone in a chat room is at least rockin 8 inches. Also where did this come from all of a sudden.

At this point I have two options. One abort awkward conversation or two make this a really funny story. I chose option two.

So now I grab the latest issue of Cosmopolitan and flip to the section where they profile some new crotch novel book of the month. You know the one where the exert is the sex scene.

So now haggerty8759 is asking me what I like and where I would want his throbbing member if I can take it all. Then Cosmo writes: "she knows its wrong considering they just met, but she sees a hunger in his eyes that she hasn't seen in quite a while." Then haggerty8759 says something romantic like sit on my face. To which Cosmo responds "he held her and took her in a way that she had never experience before, and it was electric."

Basically his filth and the Cosmo response go back and forth until I abruptly end it and say I have to go. I was running out of good stuff from Cosmo. Haggerty8759 asks if I am touching myself. I tell him no and exit the creepy room.

I have a few issues with the logistics of this.

1. Ew, I am calling Chris Hansen on this guy
2. How can I be touching myself if I am typing
3. And if I was..... gross imagine the key board

Thanks for the tip Shonaquilla.

The Man Market

So my additional two free weeks at True.com have provided very entertaining. First per the recommendation of Shonaquilla, the person who offed the two more free weeks, I tried out the chat room.

Before we get to my chat room story here is the latest man update. Basically I'm stalling b/c I cannot even believe I did this.

• Daddy Starbucks finally asked me out after a month of chatting. However he did pick a great restaurant in Boston, Stella in the South End. http://www.stellaboston.com/
• GI Joe- fell off the face of the earth
• The Kid- some 22 year old who wants to take me to dinner and a movie, clearly. I don't think he knows Wednesday is first date night. Despite him being young he is attractive, more so than anyone else. Boarder line stalker.
• Super Stop'n'Shop- Another borderline stalker who really wants to hang out and constantly messages me "hey beautiful," "good morning beautiful" and "goodnight beautiful." Despite how good this is for my ego it feels a little more like "hey creepy," "good morning creepy" and "goodnight creepy."

First Threat of Violence

OK so I officially had my first threat of violence from my blog. Did people not read the part of where I said "my opinion means shit" .... Clearly my sarcasm does not translate well over the web. Who knew I had more than 2 readers...

Can anyone offer me some advice or insight? Should I take down the violence inducing post?

Likes, Gripes and Random Stuff

Likes:

• Cambridge Cops are now writing tickets to people on bikes who are not following traffic laws. Damn Hippies
• Pincus. He waits for me to look the other direction before he looks down my shirt
• Lilly's owner. Guy from the dog park who, at noon today, I shared Nachos, tequila shots, and 4 beers with. I still don't know his name.
• Splitting a beer at the bar 1 beer 2 cups
• Club Fuxxx- always makes me wake up still drunk
• Happy Birthday Dear Greer (deargreer.com)

Gripes: October is supposed to be positive outlook month so there are only two.

• The lack of a VH1 reality show I can sink my teeth into.
• People who gossip

On the man front, Daddy Starbucks has finally asked me out on a date for this Friday. Usually I like to book first dates on Wednesdays, but it took him so long to ask, I went for it.

Also thanks to two more free weeks at ThisSiteSucks.com I am now talking to GI Joe. He seems normal and uses spell check ....

The Best of....

So now for the second time when I tried to cancel my subscription to True.com, they have offered me another 2 free weeks. They must really be desperate for people on this site. All I have gotten is the Wizard Cop, and a few poorly written emails.

Here is the Best of the Worst communications from True.com:
In no particular order

Casey2172000 60 years old seeking 35-65 "Irish Romantic Lover seeking your attention. You will find me very intelligent, sensual, and intutive. I will sense when you want to be kissed and need a hug. I am yours to claim if you want a lover and best friend. I am very attentive to a confident woman who wants to bring it on. Let's meet for drinks, get to know each other, and believe in the power of seduction. Dare to be as bold and expressive as you want to be with me." ew grandpa, no

Nickdogg222 26 years old seeking 20-27 "What's going on... My name is Nick and I'm from Worcester Mass. I would describe myself as someone who is laid back and easy to get along with. I'm a go with the flow kind ove person. Love playing sports, Going to games and concerts, And pretty much doing anything outdoors. In the summer time I play in a Co Ed Softball league with a bunch ove my friends... My family and I are very close. They are a big part ove my life. I like to hangout with friends. Weher it's going to a Bar, a Club, Or just hanging out somewhere on the weekends... Well that's enough about me for now. If you would like to know more about me just ask me." How many spelling mistakes can you count? Seriously this guy spelled "of" wrong more than once

newser1 45 year old seeking 18-45 " Hi, FunRSox ! I'd love to find out a little more about you. I can't wait to hear your answers to the questions I've included below!
1) Do you enjoy sports? It seems that lately everyone is talking about diet and exercise. Do you play sports or participate in any other physical activities? 2)Are you close to your family? I was asking if you're close to your family in the emotional kind of way, but now that I think about it, do they live nearby, too? 3)Brag a little: What's your best feature? Don’t be modest -- tell me the one thing about yourself that you're most proud of.
4) Go ahead: Describe your perfect first date. How does it begin? Where do we go? How does it end? 5) What do you think of my profile? Should I add/change my photo? I'm always open to suggestions. If you could ask me one question -- or change one thing -- about my profile, what would it be?" You would have a photo and not send me a pop quiz

jdoy7704 36 years old seeking 18-35 "I'm HOT" Nice tiger in the background of that photo

To all you singles out there try not to be jealous....

Wizard Cop Wrap Up

Despite our amazing date and two follow up emails from him I sent him the following "I don't feel a connection" email.

My email to him:
"Go easy on the reply time it hasn't been 48 hours yet ... :)

I had a really nice time with you and you have so many qualities that I look for in a man. You are a gentleman, you have your shit together, you're easy going and you get my sense of humor. Unfortunately I just don't feel the chemistry that I am looking for in someone to date. I really wish I did because you are an amazing guy. I would like to be friends but understand if that is not what you are looking for." Also code for you are boring and even the make out bandit had no desire to kiss you.

His FIRST Response:
"Ditto...kinda what I was thinking that you were thinking. I was feeling like it was more of a friend sorta vibe overall...And yes I do get your humor. Gotta have that little spice. 48 hr rule? I don't adhere to any rules!lol. I just go with the flow. I hate rules. They're boring. "

His SECOND Response: 12 hours later
"Hi ... Now that I have more time...I can say a few things. You're very attractive. As I said before..I have a thing for faces. I'm pretty perceptive of even the slightest flaw. You have a good one. I'm going to leave it as that and not say anything that would be too suggestive. I was thinking about what it would be like to kiss you periodically throughout the night here and there. The opportunity never presented itself in a way that would have been comfortable,random, and legitimate. Not sure why. I was checking you out while you were shooting pool. lol But yes I am a gentleman so I wasn't just gonna say.."hey...nice rack! " at least not on a 1st encounter basis. We didn't really establish that sort of rapport in our previous conversations and just throwing it out there would have hit the wrong key w/o rapport. NO? But yeah...I was checking you out..nice butt. hahaha.. You do have a killer sense of humor. You have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want. I like the things you have to say about social situations. I love a good, deep conversation about social misfits. So yes.,.. we could definitely be friends. With that...don't be a stranger"

Moral of the story.... I wrote the best "I don't want to date you" email ever!! Oh yea and I go on dates with weirdos

The Wizard Cop Date

So on Wednesday I finally had my date with the Wizard Cop. I showed up my customary 10 minutes late, to play pool on our first date. I am in my standard first date outfit: jeans, heels a top that shows a bit of the girls. He is in stonewashed Levi's, a faded Nantucket Dog t-shirt and clunky black boots. He is clearly shorter and has less hair than his online photos led me to believe. He was an old looking 37

It was a long dull 2 hours. A few times, I was more worried about missing Project Runway. I was basically forced to bring out my go to stories. He shouldn't really be called a cop b/c he prefers to do the desk work than patrol. He even bragged about having to process 3 guys this week. Basically the strange guys at the pool table next to us, one of which had BO, were way more interesting.

Here are the more interesting facts I learned on our date:
1. He lost his virginity at 26
2. He dances as therapy to release frustration
3. He like "electronic metal music"
4. Has been described as boring by more than one relationship - No Shit
5. The ratio of guys to girls at his Virgin Wizard Game Weekend, is 40/4. Don't worry this time they might have 10 girls coming.
6. He has lived in the same town his entire life and never been outside the US
7. He told me how he wanted to check out a swingers club in Providence called the G-Spot, if he found the right person....wink wink
8. The jeans he had on, according to him, made his ass look good. I am afraid to imagine his non ass jeans
9. He sold the boat

This list is making me sleepy. Who knew people this weird could be so boring.

Our date ended with a hug and kiss on the cheek. You know its bad if I don't even want a cheap make out. He has since emailed me twice wanting to know what I thought. His second email in 48 hours let me know he would be up for friendship if I so decided. Thanks for the option, Wizard 1/2 cop

The Very Good Taste Ominvore's Hundered

I found this list on a foodie friend's blog and decided to add it to mine. This is a list of 100 foods that every Omnivore should at least try according to the Very Good Taste Blog.

Also I wanted all 4 of my reader to think that there was more to me than men and booze.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred: The items I've tried are in Green
1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue - I miss the Melting Pot in Dallas
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse - NEVER
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

How about you? Now I am hungry

7 Random Things From this Week

1) I have a date tonight with the Wizard Cop- oddly I am feeling ambivalent about it.

2) My brother might be bringing a girl home for Thanksgiving, he met her on our family vacation in Aug... Hi Arizona. Since when do I need a date to eat Turkey?

3) Had a sex dream about a friend

4) Turned down an invitation to see Naked Stand Up Comedy - mostly because it would be a smack in the face on two levels

a) it would show me what I am missing and make me sad

b) it would show me what I'm not missing and still make me sad

5) Found a recipe for this great Mexican Green Sauce that I cannot wait to try

6) I have been described as collecting comedians - Now if I could only find something useful to do with all of them. I wonder if there is resale value?

7) My dog has thrown up 2 pairs of underwear