Who gets an email you choose....

I am closing in on the end of true.com and here is the latest and less than greatest...

I am currently being e-stalked by a short ninja turtle and a 68 year old man that only wants company once a week. Not sure which is the lesser of two evils.

On a more serious note, ha ha who am I kidding, her are the people that have written me emails that I find entertaining for all the wrong reasons, you choose who gets a reply....

Bachelor 1: Lets call him Steve Perry.

His grammar makes me weak in the knees... check out his poetry to my heart. I love a man that cannot be bothered with the space bar. I also love when peoples email/ screen name included 69. Lets 68 and I'll owe you one. In one photo he kinda looks like Steve Perry

"Hit me up at *****69@yahoo.com as i will be cancelling my account at true.well have a Wonderful,Safe,and Happy Thanks Giving to you and yours Sweety.Ciao for now Beautiful.Hugs"

Bachelor 2: No Photo Guy

Despite his hot photo and writing skills I just cant seem to give him a chance. If you are too intimidated to post a photo the chance of me not eating you alive is slim.

"Reading your profile you seem like a pretty good catch!! That is if I am trying to catch something.. I believe in not taking myself too seriously, however I am very serious about things I do. serious but not serious, perfect....You look like someone I would like to get to know more. because I have a picture ..... Anyway - I do apologize do not have my picture on line yet. But don't worry I am not embarassed to show what I look like.... I believe girls find me attractive ( its nice to believe- ha ha) . The truth is I am still new at this and before I put my picture out there for the world to see I just want to check this thing out and see if its worth .... hopefully you can make me think this is worth it!!!"

Bachelor 3: Fee Fie Foe Fum

Pretty much the guys photo and profile say it all. Despite his soft appearance his greatest accomplishment is not beating his son and being a father....WHAT?! Am I allowed consider me not kicking slow old people an accomplishment? This guy could be way to effed up even for me.

"... Your so close too! Well, come here! lol I would like to meet you to you seem so fun and I happen to microbrew! Points for being able to support my drinking habit You can see all Worcester from my apt. I think you would like a night out on the highest deck, if it's not to cold. I like the clubs , most of them I have done production for at some point . I have alot of friends. But not the one who stays the whole night! I miss that friend the most. I am a good man. 1 woman , never a sad 1 in the past, in fact, every girl has come back at some point, that must say something nice about me. well I hope to here from you soon!"

Bachelor 4: Kentucky

OK seriously you me long distance romance in Kentucky?! How close to Churchill downs do you live? Me and 8 of my closest friends crash at your place for the derby and you drive our drunk asses around? That is how I see our love going

"hi there, saw you on here, and I figured I would write you.I would love to have the oopportunity to show you that all men are not alike, as much as I would like a lady that will show me that not all women are like the ex mrs schwab :) run into a few bumps and potholes in the road of life, and finally getting back on the onramp, looking for someone to be with me for the long haul. i love a good car/ road trip metaphor you sound like a real sweetheart and that's what this worn and abused heart needs is someone to light the candle up again. but you sound like a sweetheart in any event. never been described as sweet did he read my profile been hurt in the past, looking for a kindhearted lady that is genuine, doesn't believe in playing games. My name is ...., I'm 6'3" light brown hair and brown eyes, I live in Bowling Green, KY.. I am looking for someone to enjoy spending some time with and see where things may lead... If you are looking for a goodhearted man, by all means write me back sugar...if you're not a subscribing member, and otherwise still would want to talk to me.. wink twice in a row, sorry I dont use code and I'll send you my email address"

So I didn't include the guy the told me how wonderful he was and I suppose that he could be an option but his pics were boring.

Shonoquilla found a winner, I think

I went on a date with DD and it went well. The restaurant was closing early for Veterans Day (Thank you Veterans!) and we ended up in a divey bar but we weren't ready to call it a night just yet. Super fun good conversation. He is sarcastic, finds me funny, cute, and a bit random. Will see again, possibly this week. Cute double kiss goodnight. Me Likey!

It was nice to feel smiley and optimistic after a date.

Instead of my usual responses

• this is a rebound
• he's nice maybe I should try a second date/ this is the type I should date but have no interest in
• eh
• this guy should have come with a warning label

My glowy post date feeling has really only happened one other time since the cop and I ended things over the summer. wow typing that out loud is kinda sad. And with the "one other time" we never really took advantage of the "we should do this again." Oh well no harm no foul. See blogaritas the good dates are boring...

.... On to the rabbit hole that I'm peering over the edge of. So I sent the cop the customary "Happy Birthday" text that everyone I know gets, friends, Romans, country men, co-workers etc.

And instead of getting the "who's this" I was expecting I got way more than I bargained for. We texted a bit. Basically I have yet to respond to "are u dating anyone?" text.

Do I really want to play all the games again? Could this be different? Is this just a big payback scheme? Who says this texting will go anywhere? Who am I too assume he's single? What is the harm?

What about my good date with DD?

and for the record... yes you all told me so

I am boring w/o bad dates.. more best of the worst from True to come.

Shonoquilla Slapped Me in the Face

True.com wins. It seems that I forgot to quit my 3rd free two week trial and am locked into this nightmare for another month!

Now for the good stuff... I have been casually chatting w/ this guy I met who seemed nice and although his only photo was a bit far off he actually had words in his profile, strange I know. So we have been emailing and he seems funny and genuine. We were about to get to the exchange digits point in the banter. I somehow get the guts to ask if he has a more clear photo, mean while feeling soooo shallow about the whole thing.

It turns out the photo is horrible and I am immediately unattracted to him. Yes, photo was crystal clear and up close. How can I go from looking forward to his emails to nothing in an instant. Granted he did take some liberties describing himself, but still.

I feel like the most shallow person ever, I did enjoy his emails but just am not attracted to him w/ the new photo. What do I do, he gave me his number...

I am so fucked up....

Compliment or Not?

So I was talking to another winner from True.com called Real4Real, and we are having the usual first chats where he is looking at my photos and we are covering the basics such as where do you live? What do you do for work? Are you single? What are you looking for?

Now he starts complimenting my nice smile, and the he says I have "a hot porno face!"

MB: What?! Is that a compliment?
R4R: Oh yea absolutely
MB: Don't people get their faces cum on in porno?
R4R: Aren't you a kinky girl?

So officially my strangest compliment to date is "you have hot a porno face"

Misrepresentation Chatroom Style

So this was my first chat room whisper chat w/ haggerty8759. Per the recommendation of Shonaquilla, I tried out the room named Sassy Singles.

First there is a lot going on. You can whisper to a single person, chat w/ the whole room, cyber kiss and cyber punch people. I wish there was a cyber kick in the nuts. Also there is a tool bar on the side where you can see the peoples pic or web cam that you are chatting.

So haggerty8759 whispers to me and it seems innocent enough. We go through the basics which include but are not limited to: are you single? how is it going? what are you up to? what do you do for work? Talk of the Red Sox. You are hot. He sends a kiss. I punch back. Then....

... It takes a turn to filthy. He starts asking what I would do with his 8 inch dick and how wet my pussy is. Seriously buddy? I am sure everyone in a chat room is at least rockin 8 inches. Also where did this come from all of a sudden.

At this point I have two options. One abort awkward conversation or two make this a really funny story. I chose option two.

So now I grab the latest issue of Cosmopolitan and flip to the section where they profile some new crotch novel book of the month. You know the one where the exert is the sex scene.

So now haggerty8759 is asking me what I like and where I would want his throbbing member if I can take it all. Then Cosmo writes: "she knows its wrong considering they just met, but she sees a hunger in his eyes that she hasn't seen in quite a while." Then haggerty8759 says something romantic like sit on my face. To which Cosmo responds "he held her and took her in a way that she had never experience before, and it was electric."

Basically his filth and the Cosmo response go back and forth until I abruptly end it and say I have to go. I was running out of good stuff from Cosmo. Haggerty8759 asks if I am touching myself. I tell him no and exit the creepy room.

I have a few issues with the logistics of this.

1. Ew, I am calling Chris Hansen on this guy
2. How can I be touching myself if I am typing
3. And if I was..... gross imagine the key board

Thanks for the tip Shonaquilla.

The Man Market

So my additional two free weeks at True.com have provided very entertaining. First per the recommendation of Shonaquilla, the person who offed the two more free weeks, I tried out the chat room.

Before we get to my chat room story here is the latest man update. Basically I'm stalling b/c I cannot even believe I did this.

• Daddy Starbucks finally asked me out after a month of chatting. However he did pick a great restaurant in Boston, Stella in the South End. http://www.stellaboston.com/
• GI Joe- fell off the face of the earth
• The Kid- some 22 year old who wants to take me to dinner and a movie, clearly. I don't think he knows Wednesday is first date night. Despite him being young he is attractive, more so than anyone else. Boarder line stalker.
• Super Stop'n'Shop- Another borderline stalker who really wants to hang out and constantly messages me "hey beautiful," "good morning beautiful" and "goodnight beautiful." Despite how good this is for my ego it feels a little more like "hey creepy," "good morning creepy" and "goodnight creepy."

False.com

So since my week trial was up at True.com, called to cancel. The operator picked up and asked "how can i help you find love today?" I laughed out loud into the receiver. After telling him I would like to cancel b/c everyone lives so far away. Far away is code for illiterate, non-spell checking, thug life, older midgets who insist on having at least one photo w/o a shirt. He then checked out my profile and says how hot I am and that he can't really believe that I'm single. Thanks operator, thanks. So he gives me two more weeks.

The same day "notonlockdown" has sent me yet another wink. (Pictured) What about my profile says I want to date a recently released from jail, Hispanic gang-banger? Doesn't he know I'm still in my cop phase despite my best efforts.

I have advanced to phone chat with the Wizard Cop who lives in Bedford. I am not sure where that is but the guy is so strange I can't stop talking to him. He plays this grown up nerd game where adults (I assume mostly men) dress up like medieval times and act out things in character for a weekend. I picture it as a Lord of the Rings/King Richards Fair/ Dungeons 'n' Dragons scavenger hunt. I bet there is a huge virgin count in group. Here is the website knightblades.net you are welcome.

His pros include: being a cop, he went to culinary school, has a boat

Also he has pre-written questions to keep the phone conversations moving, here is a sampling.

1. How do you feel about tattoos?


2. Do you drink wine?


3. How would you describe yourself sexually a) reserved b) adventurous c) freak


4. How many serious relationships have you had?


5. What are your "go to" moves to seduce a man?

.... also more comic updates to come.