2nd Bad Date Contest Entry

Yes, I do have enough epic bad dated in my portfolio to submit two. I think I just live for a good story...

OK so I totally forgot about this until last week when I was scanning the Boston Phoenix and saw a CD review of this white rapper with lots of local pride. I read the article and suddenly realize I went out on a proper date with this guy, not to mention some serious public makeout bandit action. So after seeing the article I immediately became a myspace fan!

Here is the back story:

Its my the summer after my junior year in college 2003 and a few of us decided to go see warped tour. Mostly bc my roommate's 15 yr old sister and her friends wanted to go. So they came up for the weekend and became our designated drivers. Not sure what time the show started but the six of us all piled into the gold ford Taurus and went on our way. Mind you the three "adults" were severely hung over. I believe woke up drunk that day. So after an hour long detour we get there and all scatter. The little sister crew quickly head to the main stage to see their favorite band, and we head to the beer line. Better known as the drunk tank since you need a wrist band to get in and its fenced off. So basically the fun people are in a corral with beer stands and porta-pottys.

6+ beers later in 90 degree weather, we are all chatting with people with various levels of charm. At this point some guy who's name I still don't remember tells me he is a free style rap artist..... So I clearly mock him. However I am charmed buy my blood alcohol level and decide to leave the drunk tank w/ the girls to see him battle 8 mile style. Now our groups have merged and semi pared off. We are now smoking weed in the rap battle tend that is next to the graffiti tent. I get lost and find my way back to the drunk tank.

At some point me and rap guy who's street name is Oak Lonetree (FYI has a tattoo of an oak tree on his leg) are now making out.... in the drunk tank, next to a tree, in the rap tent, near the funnel cake, behind the stage, and on the hood of a car. We leave, he gives me an autograph and takes my number.

The next day still hung over I get a call and agree to go on a date with Oak Lonetree. Two days later on a Tuesday we are going out. I choose a "classy" bar that I know has music and dollar drafts. He was late bc he was dropping beats. He pics me up wearing a Houston Rockets basketball jersey, because he remembered I was from Texas. Still the most romantic gesture I've had in a while. So we are drunk again he is tall and kinda funny. We are making out he sleeps over, but not before he calls his dad to let him know he is not coming home. He is very unhappy because I didn't sleep with him and went to work the next morning. That was our only date.


So the story itself isn't that good until you see this: http://www.myspace.com/oaklonetree

Maybe I should see if he wants to get back together...

Seriously if you can top this shit please share!

Thank god I have a dog

So i recently got some advice from the guy at the gas station who pumps my gas. Yes I go to full serve, but it less than self serve stations in the area. So I am not sure where this guy is from but he has a sing-song voice and calls me "Lady."

Hey Lady
How are you Lady
OK Lady
Have a nice day Lady

Over the weekend the dog was in the car and he started raving over how great my dog is. Its true the dog is great. Then he proceeds to tell me that I am very lucky to have a dog. Because this dog will never leave me but my men will. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Best Bad Dates

So I've entered Dear Greers best bad date contest, and have decided to share my entries with you. Mind you these were actual proper dates, not hook ups, parties or bar events. I was asked out, in the old fashion kind of way. Today I will give you my first entry and tomorrow my second...

Hummer me this, Hummer me that...

So I met John (cant really remember his name) while I was working at a contractor event. (I sold building supplies for a few years). He basically chatted about my product and was trying to get free tools from me, like every other cheap ass that shops at the Home Depot. He took my card and left in his truck. And I thought nothing of it.

Over the next few days he would call with stupid questions about building shit that I am pretty sure he already knew the answer to; then would sneak in a personal question. How old are you? Are you single? Where do you live? At this point he asks me out and I cannot remember what he looks like except he is tall. I say yes.

We agreed to go out on a Tuesday and he going to pick me up, mistake number one. He shows up, I am wearing a standard 1st date outfit jeans, heels cute top. He is wearing stonewashed tapered jeans and a heather gray Harley Davidson t-shirt. He also is driving a white hummer, not the cute H2 kind but the early 90s Terminator style with an American flag on the antenna.

So we go to a pretty fun restaurant down town. The conversation is flowing and I am having a nice time. Then based on the conversation and the stories about what he has done over the years, 20 year old daughter, 15 years with the CIA, I am guessing he is way older than I think. And he is missing 3 fingers on his left hand. I refuse to ask how old he is even though he keeps telling me how young at heart he is. Then he tells me. He was 45 and I was 23; age is only a number so he says. Stop dating your daughter perv.

Diner ends I'm drunk and uncomfortable. We go for drinks to the romantic top of the hub. I order vodka and he orders a white Russian. Now John tells me he would like to see more of my chest and that I shouldn't hide it. I order another drink and ignore him. Next he asks if he can smell me. I now mock him but he keeps asking for a sniff.

On the way home his hummer breaks down on the main highway and we are causing quite the traffic back up. Miraculously he has the appropriate car part and fixes it in the road. Quite the man's man. When he is done and stinking of car, he sneak leans in and takes a giant sniff of my neck, and make a gross smiley sex face. I start laughing at how uncomfortable I am.

We get to my apartment and he is trying lure me in for kiss with small talk and googlie eyes. No kiss goodnight I tripped out of he fuckin hummer and ran for the door. He called, and told me the ball was in my court and how he felt a connection, but it was up to me to decide how I felt about the age difference. I told him I was OK with his age but the sniffing was my limit.

Sneaky Blue Eyes

I was scanning a magazine a the check out counter, cliche I know. And I stumbled upon an interesting factoid. According to some researchers, that is how all articles seem to start, men with blue eyes are attracted to/ tend to marry women who also have blue eyes. Since blue eyes are genetically recessive, if the couple were to have a child with any other eye color than blue it would indicate infidelity on the wife's behalf.

OK so maybe they have a genetic predisposition to blue eyed women, b/c none of the guy I've been dating lately would think that up on their own and stick to it.

MIA

Yes I've been away for a while but some company re-organization again and a business trip to Hot-lanta have taken my time.

Here area few perks since I've been gone:

• I saw an adult woman w/ no obvious developmental problems wearing a Snuggie in the airport.
• I heard two stories about couples that were so in love that I needed a bucket to survive. Also one was a cynic like me. This confirmed my recent decision to release the herd and go solo for a bit. Vomit quote 1: "I hope you find a man as good as my wife and if you do you better hold on"
• Also my roommate went to a dinner party, hosted by a girl he was interested in. It turns out at the dinner party the food wasn't cooked correctly and everyone there got food poisoning a threw up multiple times. One guest went to the hospital. The next day she suggested that they go to dinner, just the two of them. My roommate declined.
• Also it seems that the Boston comedy scene had a lot of effn drama the few days that I was gone. So glad I missed it, although Songbird was kind enough to fill me in. Girls: a warning its very HS girls locker room

I'll also be taking recommendations for the new bad dating site I should try next... are there any free ones? This way my pain wont cost money.

Does anyone find it ironic that the golden son of the media won't answer any questions from the media on policy decisions? Although I am happy and proud that the inauguration went so smoothly. Also another great speech such a contrast to the previous 8 years.

At my expense

I fell today in typical Bandit fashion. For no real reason other than I was late outside and had no morning coffee.

Its 6am I am warming up my car, running into the house to grab something I forgot (no coffee) and BANG I'm down on the ground. No subtle trip here but a an oh god am I bleeding and do I have to change my pants because then I'll be really late type of fall.

Luckily since it was only 9 degrees out this morning an I really didn't feel much when I attempted to put my hands out. However the delayed throbbing of my hands and knees made my commute all the more enjoyable.

Brrrr Bitches

Off topic- I'm not dumb, you change plans on me at least once a week and you wonder why I'm dating other people. You're not a priority, if I'm not. Big tits for tat.

Also a friend that never quite became an ish although those were the plans I had for him, has magically been wanting to hang out lately, after hearing nothing from him in many months. He likes blue eyed blonds b/c they are the opposite of his family and culture. Admitted rebellion thing. We may be bringing another one on the farm.

23 Degrees out and Target is selling Bikinis

Yup that is how my life feels.... a big fat pile of contradictions

1. The cop sends me texts every day but I haven't seen him since we had our first round of reunited drinks in Nov. This time I'm not waiting around
2. DD got mad at me for checking my True.com inbox. Which he sent me a message on, hey kettle you're black. Since I am not active I cannot send emails.... guess who's still active and sending emails... This could be the end of DD :(
3. My company is positive about the future but is giving us warnings about needing a big 1st quarter
4. I received a phone consultation from a personal trainer I called after eating some Chinese take out left overs

It may be hard to live up to my "Movin and Shakin in 2009" motto at this rate.

The Re-Deal

I was in the car with the DDentist and he gets a call from Travesty, his oil change/produce hook up, and he starts laughing and tells him that he will meet up with him tomorrow when Travesty gets to work.

Now I am confused as I know DD has just purchased some pretty good produce and doesn't need any at the time. It turns out that Travesty would like to buy some back off of the dentist.... what?! Who is this idiot... who sold all of it and saved none for himself. Nothing like dealing to a dealer.

Oil Change: $35
Produce: $100
Selling your produce back to Jiffy Lube: Priceless

My Text Inbox

Since my texts have been strange and random over the past week...I think I should share a few snippets with you. I think it says a lot about my bizarre life starting off 2009. In no particular order...

"I know da called me today for a jury trial sorry"

"Yuh.rite. 35hundy yasrday tho.nt bragn.jus dam!"

"Hey u...crazy shit over here... hell week began ill catch u up later"

"Auggh! He even writes like a wierdo! NOOOOOO dinner!"

"Gm! Any luck today? I'm feending :)"

"Anything goin on late night"

"Wat u up2 bout 11?"

"Good morning sexy!!!" -OK not that funny but a former ish sends it to me everyday and he isn't even in the paddock...

I should do a part two of my texts out but that may not be as odd.

Letter to Brett Michaels

Dear Brett Michaels,

I am writing you this as I am concerned about your quest of love... You are now on you're third season to find "love." And when I say love I mean revamp your career. My main concerns are as follows:

1. Your makeup- you wear just as much as the girls
2. Slow down on the orange self tanner
3. Your hair/mandanna combo - Also please pass along who does your extensions to Brittney. Hers always look terrible
4. Stop with the plastic surgery
5. Wear a condom- your girls look extra slutty this season

I also think that you should consider dating New York... it could work.

Sincerely,

MBandit

Brrr.... its cold in here. There must be some torros in the atmosphere

Sorry for the bad movie reference, Bring it On, a classic Kirsten Dunst winner. So for some unforeseen reason cannot seem to get warm.... or remember to hang my new 2009 calendar. Oh well. I do know that is so cold that the dog wont even go outside to pee instead he holds it until he walks funny and I force him outside.

So finally the dentist came through and wanted me to hook him up with the produce salesman who i am seeing tonight. The produce salesman is worried his place inst clean. I had to resist to ask if he ever thought it was. Nothing like hovering in your own friends apt....ick. Needless to say the two will not be doing business as i like to keep things nice and separate. I'm not too much for overlapping, unless at one of my parties where I invite everyone past, present and future. Then laugh and watch the people connecting the dots.

?- If you tell me you didn't make out with anyone on NYE do I have to respond?

When will the haze lift...

Despite just getting back from NYC feel like I was there for seconds instead of 4 days....what?! The days were a booze filled blur where I made out and made an ass of my drunk dialing self. I also think I may have had as much fun on the New Years day booze-a-rama that started at Fetch and ended at Blondie's.

Seriously I am way off kilter not really hung over but just off. Also the dentist is starting to act more and more like the cop. And the tendencies he is showing aren't the ones I would like to transfer. No dentist don't break plans again and be flaky, yes dentist you can up the level of kink. It looks like he's going to stay in the ish paddock....

I did however meet a girl in a bar who wanted me to teach her how to date casually and have one night stands... I hated to tell her that racking up one night stands may not be the best plan for 2009. I don't like one night stands, for obvious reasons, and b/c I like to have sex again. So I tried to guide her in the direction of a brief fling or just dating...

As for resolutions and goals for 2009 well I hope this haze lifts maybe I'll focus on another new years resolution to break.

Here are some contenders

• Say NO
• Limit my takeout consumption sorry vindaloo but I must cut back
• Become more emotionally available - I'm sorry is that hell freezing over? Remember these are resolutions that I'll most likely never keep

Well I'll firm that list up soon... until then the produce salesman is calling my name not quite sure if that will clear up my haze

Thanks to all who made my four fundays super fun in the city..