Mostly Moved

So It feels like I have been moving for an eternity.....

I have also found that my roommate and I packed all the Tupperware and I decided to make sure it all matches at the new place.... I found out that not only very little matches but we had an absurd amount of Indian food containers. I trashed the evidence.

I have also patched holes in the wall and people did not take all their shit when they left. I was being nice and offered to drop it off but now am just thinking of trashing it.

Also this navigating being in a relationship with Grasshopper is well, just that. He told me that he feels like we've been together for years.... (I don't see that as a compliment) In my head I'm thinking so you've already started slaking of on the sweet beginning stuff and I've already gotten the best of ya? Ugh

Happy Trails

I am moving, and I hate moving. You know when people move out and think they are doing you a favor by leaving all their crap behind because you "still need it" I hate it. So during my purge I am finding that I own so much stuff and need to throw out more and more...

Also I am having a hard time getting rid shoes... I have too many shoes but I love them

I am almost the point where I throw away things instead of packing them. My new landlords are over protective and were business partners in the past. In fact they insist on installing all the air conditioners and hanging everything on the walls themselves. Sure knock your self out... The ladies are really nice but quite chatty...

Also as a random note, I'm stuck in my dress. I didn't realize how bendy I was until I managed to zip it myself... then realized that I will not be unzipping it my self. So it looks like I'll be doing some moving in seersucker...

Random Postings

So I have nothing really to report that is interesting, because mostly I seem to be in a functioning relationship type thingy...

Also Congratulations to MC Mr. Napkins who according to rumors killed it at the Montreal Comedy Festival

Sadly I must move out of my apt to a new one further away from Soundbites and the Wine Guy... I hate moving but am ready to get out of this dump.

Work Place Manners

So I am out doing sales calls for my new job and I have run into the following poor behavior. People if you treated your clients like this you would have none.

2 No shows
3 Oh I'm not at that locations
1 fist slam and walk out in a bar at 2:30pm

Hey buddy, I think you need to advertise more... you're in a bar at 2:30 pm on a Wednesday. You cannot be that busy. Lay off the Bud-Heavy and Pills and you maybe able to afford a $500 program. As much as I'd like a bar to be my office, I recognize it doesn't quite say professional.

Manners are manners

Airport Sterotypes

I find that every unflattering stereotype becomes true the moment you step into any airport. On the out side you are fine, however when you cross the threshold all goes down society's gutter. Here are my favorites in no particular order: (Yes I am aware this will come across as terribly un PC but I just call it like I see it)

• Middle Americans- scrunchies, fanny packs, comfy track suits. Depending on the airport you see varying levels and regional sports gear. Hey your leaving home to go where ever so why don't you wear all of your local sports gear just so people know where you are from and a tourist. Oh yea STOP BRINGING MACDONALD'S ON THE PLANE. IT SMELLS LIKE HELL. I know the airlines serve no food anymore but please no MacDonald's on the plane. No one need the calories or the smell.
• The Indians- So am in the long long security line and am thinking to myself "shit I'm stuck behind this family of 8 representing 3 generations, there is no way they aren't going to make through on the first pass." Then low and behold we get to the id/ticket check and only one goes through. The rest all get out of the line they have been waiting in for at least 20 minutes say good bye and then watch the one go trough the rest of security. ugh


• The Asians- seem to also travel generationally. However they are usually very quiet and respectful in the terminal and on my flights. They do however tend to travel with large amounts of specialty foods and all their cary-ons in shopping bags. Once this Asian grandmother sat next to me on a flight was alone and spoke no English. I had to show the poor woman how to buckle her seat belt. I also escorted her off the plane to her family.


• The Family with Small Children (my least favorite)- CONGRATULATIONS you reproduced! No we all have to suffer because you are so proud of your brood! Why should your child sit quietly? Why should they not be allowed to touch strangers and their things? Sure your kids age 5 and 6 can throw a temper tantrum in their matching outfits with no repercussions. I understand that babies cannot help it, so lets make sure our children act appropriately on the flights and in the airport. I've been flying cross country since I was an infant. And if my brother and I kicked the front of a seat we would get "the look" from our parents. You are in a public place not your home.


• The Seasoned Traveler- (Me) I am impatient and think that everyone around me is an idiot if they cannot get through security w/o being told to do something. What you don't know you have to take your shoes off? Yes your belt has metal on it take it off. Yes even you have to put all your liquids in a quart sized bag and they must be in bottles of 3oz or less. Fools. I believe in a seasoned traveler lane, no kids, no first timers, and you must have flown in the last 4 months. Oh yea I will give you dirty looks, and sigh loud if you hold up the line. I will also cut in front of you if you seemed to have missed the last 6 announcements and the signs about the rules for the last 15-20 minutes. Seriously I have the airport bar to get to...


• My Grandparents- God Bless them. They are old, slow and very prepared and organized. They show up very early and tend to have family members give them very explicit instructions what to do once they get past security. Find your gate, go to the bathroom, go to your gate and read your book until it is time to board your flight. They are great to sit next to... loaded with snacks and magazines. They also know to stop the small talk once the flight has taken off. Their only major down fall is that they tend to settle into the airplane during the boarding process. First they sit in their seats then unload their travel bags into the seat pockets. My favorite is watching them fold and stack their outerwear into the overhead bin very neatly while the rest of the plane trys to board for an on time departure.

I hope you enjoy the friendly skys as much as I do.

Up Dates ' R' us

This should be pretty brief.

• Cyber Penis- keeps asking me to call him, I'm a lady sorta, you call me. There are hints of a traditional southern gal left! He keeps asking if I am afraid to let him see me naked. And my response is I don't want to see you naked as I'm not interested in FWB. I already got that shit on call... why take on a new FWB when you don't know their performance record?
• Date Talk- So MC Mr. Napkins, an AMAZING rapping comic, turned down a hosting job on a new Dating Podcast called Date-Talk but still keeps in touch with the producer; the producer called Napkins asking if he could fill some space with an online dating story and he forwarded her to me. Seriously I could run the show with all my online dating stories, ahhh the memories.... So I will keep you updated when it will air.. the show is very cheese while trying to be edgy.
• Personal Hell- So i had to go into a Babies'R'Us to get my dear friend a baby shower gift. I hated every moment of being inside that babies mama/daddy nightmare. I was convinced that I would get pregnant just by being in there. Not to mention the children running about was about to dry me up permanently. While holding the 6 pages of the registry, i started to only purchase the items that were ass or nipple related as i found it funny. Butt paste and nipple covers galore! Shame on me for not planning ahead and ordering everything on line...... Welcome to the world Nugget, Auntie MBandit will have you running a muck in no time

G is for Georgia

Just when I was about to throw in the towel and let "G" stand for Girl, my hot-lanta lova calls. I haven't spoken to my Georgian fling in over a month and wrote him off as a good time. Part of mbandit liked him more than usual. It could be argued it was because I couldn't live physically further away if he tried. We make tentative plans to see each other over the summer, I like these plans because they are full of hope and optimism of things to come. We both pretend that they may actually pan out but know it is very unlikely they will... Kinda like when you fantasize what you will do when you win the lottery, either way its fun.

Here come the Gs

I am clearly moving through the alphabet faster than expected. Fireman date was a snooze fest, boring, boring, boring. Did I mention boring? So since he was lacking on the phone I suggested we play pub trivia for our date on the off chance he was a dud in person as well. The highlight was us coming in 4th for trivia so we do have a brain between the two of us.

Lets run down the basics:
Height- tall
Looks- cute
Extras- job he likes, good family, nice, gentleman
Personality Punch Factor- dud.

I don't mind carrying a conversation but throw me something! I could be asking too much.

I am now taking suggestions for G's. My friend offered to make out with me as long as I didn't fall in love with her or let it change our friendship. I'm too girly for her, and she for me. She asked what kind of girl I would like and I said one that is like a man. Who knows...

I recognize that other shit in my life is unsettled more so than usual and my personal life is the easy one to focus on/ mock

Pfffft

It must be stated that I'm in a funk and I know the source, but at this time these things are out of my control, none the less... Since I've been a bit bandit MIA here are my updates on men and fun ect

• This past weekend I hung out with Magoo and LA pals. Had a blast and realized I am missing a good group of local friends
• GottJibba- online guy- who keeps wanting to talk dirty and invite me over for sex. I keep telling him no I want to date. Basically told him I'm bored with his cyber penis
• Dentist and Drug dealer - am pretty sure I can call when ever
• The cop- surprise surprise we had plans then something came up, twice. He has also used the L-word, on more than one occasion, which concerns me on multiple levels. That could be a whole new post
• OG- Still creepy and business like, is getting the fade
• The FIREMAN- yes bitches I've found and "f" who is terrible to talk to on the phone. Thank goodness I recommended pub trivia for our date

Is is wrong I would rather ride horses than go to Easter dinner?

I won, I won a snuggie!

I actually won something.... a snuggie! And how did MBandit win this amazing prize? Why by winning Dear Greer's Best Bad Date contest! Check out the link, in my opinion I won by a landslide...

In the spirit of my romantic life... here is the poem the drug dealer sent me yesterday! Cheers!

back over this way
isis so wanted to stay
but hadda get paid

now i can not sleep
feeling totally damn beat
time to hit the street

when may you be free
to chill the night next to me
know it sounds cheesy

yours highly,
chinaman

Someone asked my opinion on online dating?

I was recently asked to describe how I felt about online dating and my response is as follows. Online dating and the many sites that are out there, is like the the friend you have that never has their wallet. You like them and are friends but they always let you down, usually in public.

Bandit out.

Nope no kids for me

I help teach little kids how to ride horses on the weekends, insert any standard joke about riding, chaps and horses here, and one of the kids had a fall.. I went to go get the kids mother for moral support and ended up holding a baby. Not a toddler but a 1 month old baby and I had to finish giving it a bottle. This mom clearly had no idea that I had no idea what I was doing. The child and the baby survived but no way can I handle kids. The scariest 15 min of my life...

At least he didnt want to dirty talk...

Since I am dating again, I'm back dabbling in the ever horrible world of online romance; I have had a few correspondences with a guy who was angry over sarcasm. It would NEVER work, besides he is way too sensitive. FYI- his profile said he is "sarcastic and silly." Seriously I cannot figure out why I keep going back for more. Check out this gem below. And yes this was a pic he chose to post of himself. The email chain is outlined below.



Bobpats80-C,mon, I had to say hi to someone who is not only just 1% my enemy, but is drinking in every one of her pictures.

MBandit- OK well... I don't know what to say about the photos but 1% enemy is pretty good. I bet I could have you to 5% in no time

Bobpats80-well, im sure you could, sorry to have bothered you. you sound as friendly as most girls here. take it easy
MBandit- whoa... take it easy killer, just a joke about the 1%. lets start over... Hi how are you?

Bobpats80- Im great. But I do know enough douchebags, i don't have any room for another right now, take care. Man, it's amazing how ugly people get when their personalities are shown.

I think somebody is taking online dating waaay to seriously... It should be mentioned that this was the first time I've been called a douche bag and I kinda like it. I wonder if I should respond to his last message with a link to this post? Bandit out.

Backfired

I think my dating strike has backfired.... as I am completely uninterested in dating all together. I am completely eh about the cop. The drug dealer is leaving town for an undisclosed amount of time, and I blew him off this weekend despite his many attempts to say goodbye. And old guy is still perusing me business style. I secretly am fascinated on how he interacts/dates like everything is a business transaction. His voicemails and emails are so corporate, and when he thinks he is funny it is creepy.... amazing.

So not like myself...

Mechanics

Not the profession... remember I'm still working on E's and F's now that I've decided to date again. You may find the Bandit cruising a local fire station near you.... sizzling

As it can be assumed since I wasn't dating I spent a lot of time, more than usual thinking about sex and dating. Also a rather odd article in Cosmo about penis size had me reminiscing about the dicks in my past...

Now although I consider myself lucky that I have only encountered the following topic a few times I still find it puzzling. Whiskey Dick. Yes it happens and yes I am forgiving but if its the first time we are going there take care, to let it be all it can be. I feel it is irresponsible to get wd the first time you hook up with someone.

Here's my logic... I figure a guy has been playing with his pal frequently since the age of 13 or when ever guys start getting boners. I assume they know themselves pretty well and their own personal mechanics better than I ever will. Hence the reason hand jobs are funny and I don't give them, unless in a movie theatre bc then its like middle school and funny.

What I find confusing is that at some point you know that we are going to play a little slap'n'tickle and at that point you should consider wether or not your pal can handle another drink and still be ready to play later. I also like to assume that I am not the first person you have ever hooked up with, therefor you should have learned in your 21st year where you wd line is. 8 drinks we are on, 9 drinks not so much. Beers yes, liquor maybe in the morning.

Its not a big deal, but when your slapping my ass and stealing kisses in the bar, I don't get that you weren't able to consider events to come.

Next gripe.... no condoms, at your place, 5th date, 2nd sleep over. Always be prepared. It just makes me think you are dirty

FYI the drug dealer is leaving for CA and may not come back

Dating Strike is Ending

Although I am not completely sure that the date-o-nomic down turn is over my dating strike has come to an end. Things in the South are improving so I assume the North is next, like the weather pattern... if not I'll just move.

Besides this Bandit is getting boring.

Hot-lanta, Livin la vida lanta, Oh my lanta

Sorry for the lack of posts but I was in Atlanta for about 5 days, about 2.5 unexpectedly. Here are some helpful facts in case you end up there.

1. If you have time to kill down town here are your three options that don't include drinking until 3am : Coca-Cola Museum, CNN tour, and Aquarium
2. There are homeless people outside of every hotel/bar/restaurant entrance waiting to give you directions or walk you somewhere. Then they violently demand money when you reach your destination. The first night drunk, lost and in the rain I appreciated this service. The fifth night I was unhappy with the swarming.
3. Also sometimes the homeless men give you a pansy out of their back pack and expect payment. Thanks to Tim from Wacker Neuson for buying me the homeless pansy. The first flowers of the year I have received from a guy.
4. They sell pantie hose in the bathroom out of a tampon dispenser at Hooters.
5. David the cater waiter called me princes and followed me around every meal during our company meeting. I always had coffee but was also being chased in front of co-workers and mgmt

On the Date-o-nomic down turn: I think the market conditions are beginning to improve. I met two nice guys one in the airport and the other at a bar... who I'm sure I would date if they lived in the area. However Baltimore and Sacramento does not a dater make... However MBandit did end up coming on my business trip surprisingly...

I'm not doing this to hurt you....

... there seems to be much upheaval around the fact that I am not dating. I have gotten one, only one person who is supportive of my idea. Yes you all laugh when I explain it to you but only one supporter at the get go.

Just to clarify, I'm not dying or becoming a nun despite the low cost of living. I'm just not dating. Seriously I'm 27 and taking a time out, I cannot be that good at dating considering I'm single. I consider it more going down to the minors until I'm ready for the big leagues again. And yes LL I am not closing off to all possibilities if a nice one was to come along before 3/13. I am highly skeptical of that happening considering my track record as of late.... I do apologize that my blog will suffer.

However here are the conclusions I have come to why you are so concerned that my "adventures" are on hold

1. You're worried about me- HA!
2. You're worried there will be a lack of great stories
3. My bad dating stories make you feel good about your relationship
4. You're relationship is boring
5. You're single, and it makes you think "it could be worse"

Peace out bitches. I do have a small gem... I was talking to some married guy who was a professor and he wanted to ask me a personal question, play school girl.... gross play it with your wife

No means no.... yes even for you

My self imposed dating hiatus is off to a killer start. I have decided to stay out of the market until conditions improve or I come up with a better screening process. So until March 13th I'm out, upon which I will review and decide if the strike has ended. 17 days left. I blame my poor selection process for my position thus far... the way I see it is not your fault you are a selfish looser (did any one's parents teach them better?) but it is my fault for a) selecting you and b) keeping your ass around.

Upon hearing of my strike a good friend of mine puts his arm around me and looks deep into my eyes and says "So if I asked you out you would say no?"

"Yup, that's why its a dating strike"

"What are you doing next week?"

"Not dating"

"Are you using this time to explore your body?"

Laughter....

I'll Have the McNuggettini Please...

So I have found some major likes as of yet and wanted to pass them along...

• This is why you're fat - this site makes gross shit funny seriously a McNuggetini. No wonder Americans and their kids are fat asses
• The Time article with 25 People to Blame for the Economic Melt-down. Finally an article that shows there are many to blame for this mess from both sides...
• Finally another realty TV show that makes a girl smile. Not that pussy ass on The Bachelor whaaa. RuPauls Drag race! This fiercely competitive show is like Top Chef for Drag Queens. There are challenges, eliminations and at the very end the final two that are on the chopping block must "lip sing for their life" to stay in the game based on their performance! Amazing welcome back RuPaul welcome back!

On another note, still going strong on my boycott of dating which is probably why this blog is now lame... Bandit out.

OG Date

Here is the recap from my date with Old Guy, Not sure how old he really is but I would say he is not 37 like he claims to be. It should be stated that he was not my typical type but I liked talking to him on the phone and seemed like a gentleman who could carry on a conversation about something other than basketball and cum shots. My judgements will be broken down by how many Gin and Tonics he had. My drink count for the night 1 martini, 1 glass of red wine with my steak, 1 cucumber mojito

We arrive at the Oak Room in Boston at 5pm for cocktails old people like to eat early, clue one. This is one of the best steak houses in Boston.

0-2 Gin and Tonics

He is one gin and tonic a head of me he admits. We greet sit down and order another round of drinks. I am pleasantly surprised that the conversation is going so well. I kinda like the OG although he may not be very attractive or taller than me. We talk about work and find that our industries are compatible business wise. Having fun.

3-5 Gin and Tonics

We are having dinner, conversation still good. Witty banter, check. We order calamari as an appetizer side bar, men love to order calamari as an app the last 4 times I had dinner with a guy (who ate meat) they ordered it with enthusiasm. He is making odd toasts throughout the meal. About this being my most extravagant evening for the next week, our sarcastic laid back conversation and to fine dining. I am considering this nerves. However through out the conversation he is sprinkling in things he could do for me.... like business introductions, fine dining and premo-tickets to events. I find this odd and say don't you want me to like you for you? He looks confused. But the majority of the conversation is normal and interesting with a few odd ball comments. And he does ask a lot of questions which is making the conversation flow.
6-7 Gin and Tonics

Now the comments are making me a bit uncomfortable and OG has a major buzz. We have moved on to another cocktail back in the lounge. Pretty much he is doubling my drink intake. At this point he is doing some major selling to me. I assure him that I am having a nice time and hope to see him in the following week, hoping he will back off a bit. He is also alluding to sex and kissing which I don think needs to be talked about, you either feel it or you don't. He said that he wants me to know if I wanted him to buy me something other than jewelry he would. WFT Now he is officially using sales strategies to "close" me. Leading questions and a series of small closes are his choice for the evening. At this point we are going in so many circles I feel like I am talking to drunk AT in code. He wants to hang out in another location to get to know me better, and assures me sex is off the table. Gee thanks OG let me assure you sex was never on the table. I find a way to gracefully end the night...

The big question is what do I do now? I did have a nice time until he drank too much and lost his filter. I also feel odd like he is trying to buy me although I do need business contacts. Men use women all the time, could I do the same. I may be getting ahead of myself and should just give the guy a second chance based on nerves

(Writing this blog is unable to replicate the strange inflection in his voice during his 17 closing questions, sorry)

This Post will be Bitchy

So you've all been warned. First the date update with old guy will be coming very soon. Here is the bitch. The dentist stood me up on my birthday via text at approximately 5pm. Despite us having very clear plans to see a movie.

Friday.... no contact
Saturday... text saying happy v-day and we should talk face to face.
My text says no dice your actions said plenty... to which he replies I'm moving to Philly in the summer. This makes things much easier for me. No use in patching things up bye, bye whats the point. I am seriously considering posting his info here, I'm pretty sure that's the hate talking though.

Seriously my latest string of jerks makes me think that I am way too laid back and they think they don't have to have common courtesy. Unfortunately it is a lot of work for me to be high maintenance when it comes to dating, unlike Hurricane who could teach me plenty. So I guess I will have to finds someone else. The strange thing is most of them have all come back at some point. Actually I am taking a very calculated time out from all froms of dating. I guess the E's will have to wait.

Big irony though is that the cop was majorly sweet on my birthday (called, texted and offered to take me out for drinks) and also acknowledged valentines day, which he never did when we were together... I think he has some sort of radar...

Hey Fab I hope you had fun with Erin...

Its my birthday

Yup thats all I got.... well I actually have some really good stuff from my date with Old Guy but am too lazy to deal right now. Back to the cake...

O is for Over-sharing

Just got back from Atlanta... but have told most people that I will not be around today... a girl needs some breathing room.

I also in the spirit of my last date with shoe guy one of my new co-workers shared way too much about her life in the last 48 hours. It should be noted that none of my group had ever met her before and she has been hired in the last 6 months.

Things I don't need to know about my co-workers

1. your age/ weight and love for snickers
2. how much your divorce costs
3. you ex husbands annual spending
4. you ex husbands medical history
5. the nudist habits you have with your new "sweetie"
6. everything you don't like about people at the company
7. how the catholic church owes you business bc you paid for an annulment
8. how you collect wine glasses from every where you go- do 1.99 new years eve flutes from Publix count as an addition
9. dysfunctional views on 1st marriages, 2nd marriages and how most people online are married.

First Date Donts

With things uncertian and "complicated" with the dentist, instead of talking to him about it, I got some dates lined up.

Date one was last night was with a shoe salesman from Nordstroms. If I have to explain the appeal take a break and think about it real slow.

Here are some first date don'ts for you:

• keep your jacket on the whole date
• order way too much food so you can have lots of left overs - 2 XL pizzas for 2 people
• tell me how much money you make hourly and annually, more than once
• make a joke about drinking then, tell me you don't drink
• chew with your mouth open
• tell me you hate people who misrepresent themselves then be 2 inches shorter than you claim to be
• have frosted tips on your hair- people haven't done this in at least 10 years
• tell me about how much your car payment is
• not walk me to a car... giving the creepy guy a chance to cat call me while I walked to my car
• reach in for a kiss over the boxes of pizza

Survey says: Thanks for dinner

Its Complicated

Its official the Dentist is impossible to read, in fact he is harder to read than I am. Gasp.... Every time I set him free he comes back and really wants to hang out. I do like him but since I cannot get any read on the guy I might as well send him off before he ends things. However on Sunday he changed his relationship status from "single" to "its complicated" on FB. Well he's got that right.

Considering when I didn't hear back from him for over a week, I accepted the fade and got two dates lined up for next week.... Now what? One is health care consultant and the other sells shoes at Nordstroms. So maybe I am taking a break from the alphabet.

Not sure what to do about the Dentist. Also if he steps up for Vday does that mean we are really dating? I have a terrible Vday track record so I shouldn't put any stock into it. So complicated...

Unfit for...

OK well a few random things first yea Super Bowl.

Now a fun game:
How many things wrong can you find with the following story?

I was over at a friends house (single male) and he offered me a glass of wine to which I accepted. He does have good manners. However after he so kindly poured me a glass I realized it was White Zinfandel. I took a sip and made a "wow this is sweet face" and he asked if I was OK. I laughed and said I haven't had white zin in a while. I then asked if his mom was in town hoping to explain the white zin to which he replied no. For his sake I hope he is seeing someone that he hasn't told me about yet.

Also I find it funny when you notice certain people only call you after 8. When their cell phone minutes kick into nights... its called $99 sprint unlimited everything plan people

On a more random note the weather is making it harder to tire out my dog. So I have been bribing him with more and more peanut butter for a few moments of quite. Just another reason I would be an unfit parent.

2nd Bad Date Contest Entry

Yes, I do have enough epic bad dated in my portfolio to submit two. I think I just live for a good story...

OK so I totally forgot about this until last week when I was scanning the Boston Phoenix and saw a CD review of this white rapper with lots of local pride. I read the article and suddenly realize I went out on a proper date with this guy, not to mention some serious public makeout bandit action. So after seeing the article I immediately became a myspace fan!

Here is the back story:

Its my the summer after my junior year in college 2003 and a few of us decided to go see warped tour. Mostly bc my roommate's 15 yr old sister and her friends wanted to go. So they came up for the weekend and became our designated drivers. Not sure what time the show started but the six of us all piled into the gold ford Taurus and went on our way. Mind you the three "adults" were severely hung over. I believe woke up drunk that day. So after an hour long detour we get there and all scatter. The little sister crew quickly head to the main stage to see their favorite band, and we head to the beer line. Better known as the drunk tank since you need a wrist band to get in and its fenced off. So basically the fun people are in a corral with beer stands and porta-pottys.

6+ beers later in 90 degree weather, we are all chatting with people with various levels of charm. At this point some guy who's name I still don't remember tells me he is a free style rap artist..... So I clearly mock him. However I am charmed buy my blood alcohol level and decide to leave the drunk tank w/ the girls to see him battle 8 mile style. Now our groups have merged and semi pared off. We are now smoking weed in the rap battle tend that is next to the graffiti tent. I get lost and find my way back to the drunk tank.

At some point me and rap guy who's street name is Oak Lonetree (FYI has a tattoo of an oak tree on his leg) are now making out.... in the drunk tank, next to a tree, in the rap tent, near the funnel cake, behind the stage, and on the hood of a car. We leave, he gives me an autograph and takes my number.

The next day still hung over I get a call and agree to go on a date with Oak Lonetree. Two days later on a Tuesday we are going out. I choose a "classy" bar that I know has music and dollar drafts. He was late bc he was dropping beats. He pics me up wearing a Houston Rockets basketball jersey, because he remembered I was from Texas. Still the most romantic gesture I've had in a while. So we are drunk again he is tall and kinda funny. We are making out he sleeps over, but not before he calls his dad to let him know he is not coming home. He is very unhappy because I didn't sleep with him and went to work the next morning. That was our only date.


So the story itself isn't that good until you see this: http://www.myspace.com/oaklonetree

Maybe I should see if he wants to get back together...

Seriously if you can top this shit please share!

Thank god I have a dog

So i recently got some advice from the guy at the gas station who pumps my gas. Yes I go to full serve, but it less than self serve stations in the area. So I am not sure where this guy is from but he has a sing-song voice and calls me "Lady."

Hey Lady
How are you Lady
OK Lady
Have a nice day Lady

Over the weekend the dog was in the car and he started raving over how great my dog is. Its true the dog is great. Then he proceeds to tell me that I am very lucky to have a dog. Because this dog will never leave me but my men will. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Best Bad Dates

So I've entered Dear Greers best bad date contest, and have decided to share my entries with you. Mind you these were actual proper dates, not hook ups, parties or bar events. I was asked out, in the old fashion kind of way. Today I will give you my first entry and tomorrow my second...

Hummer me this, Hummer me that...

So I met John (cant really remember his name) while I was working at a contractor event. (I sold building supplies for a few years). He basically chatted about my product and was trying to get free tools from me, like every other cheap ass that shops at the Home Depot. He took my card and left in his truck. And I thought nothing of it.

Over the next few days he would call with stupid questions about building shit that I am pretty sure he already knew the answer to; then would sneak in a personal question. How old are you? Are you single? Where do you live? At this point he asks me out and I cannot remember what he looks like except he is tall. I say yes.

We agreed to go out on a Tuesday and he going to pick me up, mistake number one. He shows up, I am wearing a standard 1st date outfit jeans, heels cute top. He is wearing stonewashed tapered jeans and a heather gray Harley Davidson t-shirt. He also is driving a white hummer, not the cute H2 kind but the early 90s Terminator style with an American flag on the antenna.

So we go to a pretty fun restaurant down town. The conversation is flowing and I am having a nice time. Then based on the conversation and the stories about what he has done over the years, 20 year old daughter, 15 years with the CIA, I am guessing he is way older than I think. And he is missing 3 fingers on his left hand. I refuse to ask how old he is even though he keeps telling me how young at heart he is. Then he tells me. He was 45 and I was 23; age is only a number so he says. Stop dating your daughter perv.

Diner ends I'm drunk and uncomfortable. We go for drinks to the romantic top of the hub. I order vodka and he orders a white Russian. Now John tells me he would like to see more of my chest and that I shouldn't hide it. I order another drink and ignore him. Next he asks if he can smell me. I now mock him but he keeps asking for a sniff.

On the way home his hummer breaks down on the main highway and we are causing quite the traffic back up. Miraculously he has the appropriate car part and fixes it in the road. Quite the man's man. When he is done and stinking of car, he sneak leans in and takes a giant sniff of my neck, and make a gross smiley sex face. I start laughing at how uncomfortable I am.

We get to my apartment and he is trying lure me in for kiss with small talk and googlie eyes. No kiss goodnight I tripped out of he fuckin hummer and ran for the door. He called, and told me the ball was in my court and how he felt a connection, but it was up to me to decide how I felt about the age difference. I told him I was OK with his age but the sniffing was my limit.

Sneaky Blue Eyes

I was scanning a magazine a the check out counter, cliche I know. And I stumbled upon an interesting factoid. According to some researchers, that is how all articles seem to start, men with blue eyes are attracted to/ tend to marry women who also have blue eyes. Since blue eyes are genetically recessive, if the couple were to have a child with any other eye color than blue it would indicate infidelity on the wife's behalf.

OK so maybe they have a genetic predisposition to blue eyed women, b/c none of the guy I've been dating lately would think that up on their own and stick to it.

MIA

Yes I've been away for a while but some company re-organization again and a business trip to Hot-lanta have taken my time.

Here area few perks since I've been gone:

• I saw an adult woman w/ no obvious developmental problems wearing a Snuggie in the airport.
• I heard two stories about couples that were so in love that I needed a bucket to survive. Also one was a cynic like me. This confirmed my recent decision to release the herd and go solo for a bit. Vomit quote 1: "I hope you find a man as good as my wife and if you do you better hold on"
• Also my roommate went to a dinner party, hosted by a girl he was interested in. It turns out at the dinner party the food wasn't cooked correctly and everyone there got food poisoning a threw up multiple times. One guest went to the hospital. The next day she suggested that they go to dinner, just the two of them. My roommate declined.
• Also it seems that the Boston comedy scene had a lot of effn drama the few days that I was gone. So glad I missed it, although Songbird was kind enough to fill me in. Girls: a warning its very HS girls locker room

I'll also be taking recommendations for the new bad dating site I should try next... are there any free ones? This way my pain wont cost money.

Does anyone find it ironic that the golden son of the media won't answer any questions from the media on policy decisions? Although I am happy and proud that the inauguration went so smoothly. Also another great speech such a contrast to the previous 8 years.

At my expense

I fell today in typical Bandit fashion. For no real reason other than I was late outside and had no morning coffee.

Its 6am I am warming up my car, running into the house to grab something I forgot (no coffee) and BANG I'm down on the ground. No subtle trip here but a an oh god am I bleeding and do I have to change my pants because then I'll be really late type of fall.

Luckily since it was only 9 degrees out this morning an I really didn't feel much when I attempted to put my hands out. However the delayed throbbing of my hands and knees made my commute all the more enjoyable.

Brrrr Bitches

Off topic- I'm not dumb, you change plans on me at least once a week and you wonder why I'm dating other people. You're not a priority, if I'm not. Big tits for tat.

Also a friend that never quite became an ish although those were the plans I had for him, has magically been wanting to hang out lately, after hearing nothing from him in many months. He likes blue eyed blonds b/c they are the opposite of his family and culture. Admitted rebellion thing. We may be bringing another one on the farm.

23 Degrees out and Target is selling Bikinis

Yup that is how my life feels.... a big fat pile of contradictions

1. The cop sends me texts every day but I haven't seen him since we had our first round of reunited drinks in Nov. This time I'm not waiting around
2. DD got mad at me for checking my True.com inbox. Which he sent me a message on, hey kettle you're black. Since I am not active I cannot send emails.... guess who's still active and sending emails... This could be the end of DD :(
3. My company is positive about the future but is giving us warnings about needing a big 1st quarter
4. I received a phone consultation from a personal trainer I called after eating some Chinese take out left overs

It may be hard to live up to my "Movin and Shakin in 2009" motto at this rate.

The Re-Deal

I was in the car with the DDentist and he gets a call from Travesty, his oil change/produce hook up, and he starts laughing and tells him that he will meet up with him tomorrow when Travesty gets to work.

Now I am confused as I know DD has just purchased some pretty good produce and doesn't need any at the time. It turns out that Travesty would like to buy some back off of the dentist.... what?! Who is this idiot... who sold all of it and saved none for himself. Nothing like dealing to a dealer.

Oil Change: $35
Produce: $100
Selling your produce back to Jiffy Lube: Priceless

My Text Inbox

Since my texts have been strange and random over the past week...I think I should share a few snippets with you. I think it says a lot about my bizarre life starting off 2009. In no particular order...

"I know da called me today for a jury trial sorry"

"Yuh.rite. 35hundy yasrday tho.nt bragn.jus dam!"

"Hey u...crazy shit over here... hell week began ill catch u up later"

"Auggh! He even writes like a wierdo! NOOOOOO dinner!"

"Gm! Any luck today? I'm feending :)"

"Anything goin on late night"

"Wat u up2 bout 11?"

"Good morning sexy!!!" -OK not that funny but a former ish sends it to me everyday and he isn't even in the paddock...

I should do a part two of my texts out but that may not be as odd.

Letter to Brett Michaels

Dear Brett Michaels,

I am writing you this as I am concerned about your quest of love... You are now on you're third season to find "love." And when I say love I mean revamp your career. My main concerns are as follows:

1. Your makeup- you wear just as much as the girls
2. Slow down on the orange self tanner
3. Your hair/mandanna combo - Also please pass along who does your extensions to Brittney. Hers always look terrible
4. Stop with the plastic surgery
5. Wear a condom- your girls look extra slutty this season

I also think that you should consider dating New York... it could work.

Sincerely,

MBandit

Brrr.... its cold in here. There must be some torros in the atmosphere

Sorry for the bad movie reference, Bring it On, a classic Kirsten Dunst winner. So for some unforeseen reason cannot seem to get warm.... or remember to hang my new 2009 calendar. Oh well. I do know that is so cold that the dog wont even go outside to pee instead he holds it until he walks funny and I force him outside.

So finally the dentist came through and wanted me to hook him up with the produce salesman who i am seeing tonight. The produce salesman is worried his place inst clean. I had to resist to ask if he ever thought it was. Nothing like hovering in your own friends apt....ick. Needless to say the two will not be doing business as i like to keep things nice and separate. I'm not too much for overlapping, unless at one of my parties where I invite everyone past, present and future. Then laugh and watch the people connecting the dots.

?- If you tell me you didn't make out with anyone on NYE do I have to respond?

When will the haze lift...

Despite just getting back from NYC feel like I was there for seconds instead of 4 days....what?! The days were a booze filled blur where I made out and made an ass of my drunk dialing self. I also think I may have had as much fun on the New Years day booze-a-rama that started at Fetch and ended at Blondie's.

Seriously I am way off kilter not really hung over but just off. Also the dentist is starting to act more and more like the cop. And the tendencies he is showing aren't the ones I would like to transfer. No dentist don't break plans again and be flaky, yes dentist you can up the level of kink. It looks like he's going to stay in the ish paddock....

I did however meet a girl in a bar who wanted me to teach her how to date casually and have one night stands... I hated to tell her that racking up one night stands may not be the best plan for 2009. I don't like one night stands, for obvious reasons, and b/c I like to have sex again. So I tried to guide her in the direction of a brief fling or just dating...

As for resolutions and goals for 2009 well I hope this haze lifts maybe I'll focus on another new years resolution to break.

Here are some contenders

• Say NO
• Limit my takeout consumption sorry vindaloo but I must cut back
• Become more emotionally available - I'm sorry is that hell freezing over? Remember these are resolutions that I'll most likely never keep

Well I'll firm that list up soon... until then the produce salesman is calling my name not quite sure if that will clear up my haze

Thanks to all who made my four fundays super fun in the city..